


Ave Rosa

by thegeminisage



Series: I'm Very Definitely Not Writing A Coda For Every Shadowhunters Episode, That Would Be Ridiculous [3]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Asexual Character, Asexual Raphael Santiago, Coda, Episode: s03e03 What Lies Beneath, Families of Choice, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Missing Scene
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-10
Updated: 2018-04-10
Packaged: 2019-04-21 07:21:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,475
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14279856
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thegeminisage/pseuds/thegeminisage
Summary: After Isabelle leaves, Raphael dials Magnus. [3.03 Coda]





	Ave Rosa

**Author's Note:**

> no, really! i'm not writing a coda for every episode! i'm not! i really wasn't going to, i made it almost until the next episode aired...And Then. 
> 
> i give up. there's a series you can follow now. i guess you can expect more of this next week. i'm sorry in advance if this is terrible; i wrote it in a hurry to slide it in under the wire and didn't have time to reread it. if you see any typos or broken sentences, i would love to hear about them!

Today, Raphael does not want to be alone.

Usually he doesn't mind. Other people grate on his nerves more often than not; they're always two steps behind him and doing more talking than listening anyway. He leads his people, and he loves them, but there's a reason he keeps a doorman. He's not like Magnus, whose eyes light up on meeting someone new, who can find satisfaction in hours of conversation with total strangers. He likes his peace and quiet. For Raphael, other people, even his people, are best had in small doses.

But there are some people who don't count as _people_. He can spend a long time with either Magnus or Isabelle without growing tired of them. Magnus _likes_ to talk, but he knows how to share a silence, too, and he also knows when to stop and listen. And back when Raphael and Isabelle were still getting high off of each other, she often stayed at his place for hours and hours at a time. For dinner, yes, and also overnight, when they were both pleasantly exhausted from spending so long with his mouth on her body, his fangs inside her, riding out that intense wave of sensation that was something purely physical, but not at all sexual, at least not for Raphael. Never for Raphael.

It was almost, _almost_ like she was his lover.

But before that, before Isabelle and even before Magnus, there was Rosa. Raphael was the oldest of seven children and Rosa the next oldest, and though he had five other brothers he spent more time with her than anyone. It was Raphael who cooked her meals, tucked her in at night; Raphael who taught her to read and write first in Spanish and later in English; Raphael who either kept her out of trouble or got into trouble with her.

Their mother used to worry and worry at all the time they spent together. Nothing wrong with being a good brother, of course. He was the oldest and so it was his job to take care of the family while their parents worked long hours to keep the lights on and food on the table. He loved to do it; family was everything to him. But as he got older, more and more often she would say, "Raphael, you've got to start thinking about your future." What she meant was that unless he was planning to run off to the monastery, he eventually needed to find a wife.

She meant well: she didn't want him to grow old and die alone. But Raphael did not want to join the monastery, and neither did he want a wife. He wanted to stay with his family. In an abstract way he knew there were things a wife could give someone that family could not, but he wasn't interested in any of them. Not children, when he had so many to care for already, and not companionship, not when he had Rosa. And he certainly had no interest in the more intimate matters no one ever brought up in polite conversation. The very thought turned his stomach. He didn't need to get married. He already had everything he wanted.

Then he got turned. And learned, the hard way, he couldn't be around his family. To be what he was _was_ to be alone.

Worse than growing old and dying alone, Raphael thinks, gazing down at his photos, is doing neither.

Isabelle has only been gone ten minutes. The suite feels so big and empty without her. It's not her, though—it's not even the siren's song her angel's blood sings, despite the close call they had just now. The emptiness lives in him. It lives in the space where Rosa used to be. It's there forever now, and no one's company can drive it out.

Nonetheless, Raphael dials Magnus.

It's risky. With Heidi in the basement, a hundred things could go wrong. Magnus could find out _everything_. But she's sedated, and there's a guard, and—

Just for today, just for right now, Raphael does not want to be alone. Part of him is worried that he'll walk out onto his beautiful sunlit balcony, just for the tiniest chance to see Rosa again.

But it doesn't work that way. Maybe his life is a half-life now, a cursed life, but it still belongs to God. And while Raphael eventually came to believe God can love a monster, and forgive a great many things—stealing, killing, drinking human blood, and much worse—taking his own life is one sin Raphael would rather leave off his ever-growing list. If he ever truly wants a chance to see Rosa again, he's got to be better than that.

Magnus's phone rings and rings, and then goes to voicemail. Raphael hesitates after the tone, unsure what to say. Magnus knew Rosa too. Raphael cannot give him the news like this. He hangs up.

The silence presses in on him from all side. His prayer candle flickers.

Then his phone rings.

"Magnus," Raphael says, shaky with relief.

"Raphael," Magnus greets warmly. There's some kind of clanking in the background. "Sorry about that, I was a little tied up with Alexander."

More than he needed to know. "Am I interrupting something?"

"Nothing like you think," Magnus says, wry. In the background Raphael hears Alec shout _Magnus I think you're out of flour_ and Magnus covers the receiver and tells Alec where it is. "Maryse Lightwood is coming over for dinner."

The cheerful chaos coming in through the other end of the phone makes Raphael's own suite seem all the more bleak. He opens his mouth to say something like _Good luck_ or _I don't envy you_ and finds he cannot speak.

"Raphael," Magnus says, gentling his tone, "is everything all right? What are you doing up at this hour?"

Raphael has been crying all day. His head hurts and his eyes are sore and surely there can't be anymore water left in his body, but somehow the tears still come. "It's—" He has to clear his throat twice. "Rosa. Magnus, she's—" And he cannot finish. Saying it once, to Isabelle, was bad enough.

"Oh, no, my poor boy," Magnus murmurs. _What?_ says Alec in the background. _Who is that?_ "I am so sorry. I'll be right over."

"You're busy," Raphael protests weakly, and lies: "You don't need to do that, I just wanted to let you know—"

"I'll be right over," Magnus repeats firmly. "Give me two minutes." The line goes dead.

And that's just Magnus. He likes to insist he does nothing out of the generosity of his heart unless he's being paid handsomely to feel charitable, but the people closest to him know it's a farce. Raphael knows it better than anyone. For it was Magnus who helped him relearn walking on hallowed ground, and speaking the Lord's name. It was Magnus who helped him master the urge to feed on living beings, so, many years later, he could begin to safely see his sister again. And, when Raphael, missing his family so much he thought he'd die from being heartsick, voiced a long-hidden doubt, leftover from those old human days— "I've never wanted sex, and I've never wanted to fall in love. Maybe there's something _wrong_ with me, and I'm _supposed_ to be alone—"

It was Magnus who took Raphael by the chin, looked him right in the eyes, and said, "Dear boy, that's just how some people _are_ , and there's nothing wrong with any of you," and lifted a terrible, secret weight off of Raphael, one he didn't even realize he had been carrying.

It takes perhaps forty-five seconds for a portal to open itself in Raphael's living room. Magnus enters every room like a whirlwind and this time is no exception. Almost immediately Raphael is caught up in a hug.

Raphael sinks into it, both guilty and grateful. He's been lying to Magnus about all the terrible things he's been doing to Heidi, and he doesn't deserve this comfort from him, but it's _safe_. Magnus is family, and there's no  _want_ there, not for blood or anything else, the way there is with Isabelle. It's a strange and wonderful feeling, being around her, because desire of any kind is such a new and novel concept, but it's frightening, too. He doesn't know if he knows how to separate that feeling from the addiction. He doesn't know if it can be done. He wants to nurture what they have into something healthy, something that can take root and grow, if she'll have him. If she can really want him, and truly, _truly_ not care about the vampire venom, or the sex.

He nearly blew it, awhile ago. It was a terrifying moment of weakness. He's so grateful that she had it in her to be strong enough for them both.

Raphael has no strength left. He is finished.

Magnus rubs Raphael's back, murmuring soothing nonsense, and Raphael realizes he is still weeping. "They told me she went in her sleep," he chokes, because that is the only good thing he can think of to say. "It was quick. Peaceful." He draws a shuddering breath. "There was no pain." If God doesn't love him, then God must love Rosa. Raphael has seen what age does to mortals. It could have been so much worse. "But I wish I could have been with her."

If Raphael had been able to walk in the sun like Simon, he could have been. He could go to her funeral. He could have spent hours and hours more with her. He's regained so much of what he once had since being turned, but it will never stop taking things away. He's endured nearly a century of life as a vampire, but Simon, who still has a family, became a daylighter almost right away, and he won't even tell Raphael how he did it. It's not _fair_.

That's what Raphael tells himself, to justify the atrocities happening in his basement.

"In some ways that's harder," Magnus murmurs. "You never forget the last breath of someone you love. Now your last memory of her can be a good one. One that will bring you comfort, someday."

Raphael can't imagine thinking of his last visit with Rosa will ever bring him anything but pain. And— "Memories don't last forever. How long do you—" He has been immortal for such a short time. He pulls away and scrubs at his face, trying to master himself. "I mean, does it ever—"

Raphael's shocked to find Magnus crying, too. Maybe he shouldn't be; Magnus always was a tender heart. "The details will fade eventually," he says, and wipes at his own eyes. "Their appearance. The sound of their voice. But the way they made you feel—I can promise you that's as eternal as anything I've ever known."

That isn't what Raphael wanted to hear. "I can't even go to her funeral," he says, broken. "My last living relative, and I can't—"

Magnus rubs his shoulder, soothing. "I'll go. I'll be there for you both. When is it?"

Raphael still has blessings to count. That's the same offer twice in one day. His biological family is gone, but he's not so completely alone as this empty room and his empty heart makes him feel. "You don't have to. Isabelle will be there."

Magnus looks concerned. "Was she here?" He hesitates. "Did you two—"

"Nothing like that." Raphael drops back down onto the sofa. "I—there was a close call. But we don't do that anymore. It's just because I'm so..." _Upset_ doesn't begin to do it justice. "Unstable. She pulled away," he tells Magnus, pleading, though he knows the person he's really trying to convince is himself. "We're okay. We could make it work." They don't both have to be strong all the time, right? They can take it in turns. 

Magnus eases down next to him on the sofa. "If that's truly what you want," he says, "then I hope you can."

Raphael tries to imagine it. A future where he and Magnus and Isabelle and yes, even Alec, are their own strange kind of family. He doesn't know if he can dare hope for something like that. Even if he did—

Raphael looks over at Magnus, seeing him with new eyes. "How do you do it?" he asks, stunned. "How do you fall in love with someone like Alec, _knowing_ it's going to end up like this?"

He gestures at the empty room, the old photographs, the prayer candle still burning on the table. All the beginnings of self-control he had slip away and he feels his throat tighten again. Instead of answering—what answer can there be?—Magnus takes Raphael back into his arms.

Raphael is so scared of being alone forever. He is so scared of not being alone forever. What's worse, isolation or loss? Sometimes being immortal seems more terrifying than every other part of what he is now, even more than the bloodlust. He is doomed to watch almost everyone he could ever love wither away and die. Maybe this is the real reason downworlders stick to their own kinds.

Magnus's phone buzzes. Once, twice—three times. "Ignore that," Magnus says thickly. "It's just Alexander."

"No." Raphael pulls away again. "You can't stay here all day with me, Magnus. You have other plans. You should go."

"Raphael—"

"I should probably get some sleep," Raphael says. Until the sun is safely back beneath the horizon. "I'll be all right." Sometimes it's very difficult to lie to Magnus. Sometimes it's too easy.

Magnus takes both of Raphael's hands in his and squeezes. "I'm going to come back by after dinner. We'll go for a walk, hm?" He hesitates. "Is there anything else I can do?"

 _Don't leave me_ , Raphael thinks in a fit of panic, but it's a naive thought, and a selfish one. Magnus can't stop him from feeling this way.

Then he thinks of Isabelle. _Just promise me you'll ask for help if you need it._

He could tell Magnus everything. About Heidi, and the experiments he's been doing, and how he thinks he might be in over his head because he doesn't know how to stop and doesn't know if he would stop even if he could. Magnus would be angry, and disappointed in him, but he would help. And, Maryse Lightwood or not, he would stay.

Raphael has been selfish enough for one day. "No," he says, and tries to smile. He stands, and lets Magnus hug him one more time.

"We'll talk soon," Magnus promises, and pats Raphael's face. "Take care of yourself, my dear." He summons the portal and steps through.

Then the portal closes, and Raphael is left alone with his photos and his silence.

**Author's Note:**

> i am on tumblr! i make gifs sometimes! [@thedegenerateasexual](https://thedegenerateasexual.tumblr.com/tagged/sh*) if you're over 18 and [@thegeminisage](https://thegeminisage.tumblr.com/tagged/shadowhunters) if you're not.


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